So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
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