She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
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