how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
Randomize
