ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Randomize
