i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
She even gives head with a lisp.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Randomize
