Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
He told me they were just razor bumps!
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
