I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
The beers last night were like the tears from god
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
