How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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