How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
