What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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