the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Randomize
