then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Randomize
