I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
