First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
