i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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