Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
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