I got her a Nickelback box set.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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