She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
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