just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Randomize
