"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
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