What did we do last night that was yellow?
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
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