Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
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