The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
