I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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