so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
I cut my penus on the lid.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
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