I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
