I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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