Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
