I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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