Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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