Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
