I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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