Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Randomize
