I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
I touched a dick in church today
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Randomize
