cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
