I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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