just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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