i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
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