Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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