I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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