Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
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