after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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