I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
i love accidental penises.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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