Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Randomize
