Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Randomize
