it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Randomize
