i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Randomize
