I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
