best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
