if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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